Brain Matter(s)

Another week down the drain.

WHAT-A-FUC*****-WEEK it was!

I can’t believe how a week changes you. For the last month, all I’ve received is bull and every day sculpts you into something else. I told myself this week (and was told by a few close friends) that give it another month then end it all. However, when I saw how much my superior fights for us, it makes me question if I can leave her just like that. Although I have every right to get tired from all this, it still does not warrant to quit during a time that she is short handed. As much as I am intoxicated by the life I live now, it doesn’t change the fact that the experience sculpted me into something that I would never have turned into if I didn’t experience it. I was thinking today, what If I had a day like this everyday? A bit more relaxed than usual. Would it be fun? And then I thought, probably it would for the first few days but as odd as it may seem, I would miss the roller coaster feeling that it gives. A minute there lays a crisis and the next minute, you recover thinking you’re dead. It’s a job that makes me crazy but it’s more of a love and hate situation with your lover. It goes both ways, it maybe the worst or the best thing for me right now.

One thing that makes me survive life right now is my friend, Ica. She’s keeping me sane like no other person and if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have made it this far. She deserves to be where she is right now. :)

The creator has been kind to me. He hasn’t left me after all.

It happens for a reason. Thank you for keeping me go through hell. I hope I get past this soon.

A few months ago, I decided that it was time to move on. Although it was heartbreaking to leave the people you’ve learned to call family and those that you feel define who you are, I was sure that staying would stagnate my career. A few after, here I am, struggling like a fish out of the water. A month ago, I was one print command away from passing my resignation. If it weren’t for that phone call I received that Friday, I would probably passed it anyway.

Fate or Coincidence. Either way, it made me pawn myself for another month at work. To be exact, I am 5 days away from celebrating my 4th month anniversary at work. There has not been one day that I could say that I wasn’t throw out of my comfort zone. If that wasn’t enough, my personal life is hanging by a thread. It has been a very long four months and I can’t stay that I am out of the woods. I am still struggling and I can’t even see myself getting out of it in the near future.

If there was one thing that kept me going, it was because I had friends and cousins who would never stop listening to my rants. I would shed tears every so often and yet, I am still alive because of them. However, I am not sure how much longer I could last. I wish that things would go faster, things will be better. Target is 6 months. After I hit the 6 months, let’s wait for the 1 year.

I never actually thought of saying this being an agnostic for how many years now but God be with me.

Happiness is secondary for now. Focus on the goal and accept the consequences.

I find it quite puzzling why for the last month or so, I’ve had this urgent need to write off my thoughts but never quite made it. I would end up trying to start but couldn’t for my thoughts were too disorganized that it was THAT taxing to even arrange it in my head. In other words, I procrastinated and chose the easier road.

I’ve had the most challenging 2 months of my life. I was thinking of calling it the worst 2 months of my existence in quite a while but thinking about it, I was placed in a situation where I was out of my comfort zone and now everything is something I have never experienced before. From trying to learn things from scratch again (and feeling very stupid about it) to dealing with bullies that would go miles just to save their asses, name it, I must have encountered it in just a span of 2 months.

There is no one day of my life in the last 2 months that I could say to myself that I was in a place of stability for a few days. One day you’re okay, the next day your hyped and then the next day, life completely sucks. I have gained a bit of weight I think from all of this but I am trying to fight it and show to myself that I will not give in to this bullshit.

For a while, I thought of quitting (like 2 days ago). I wanted to make life easier for myself but if I do pursue it, what happens next? To be frank, it’s also a matter of ego, that I was proud to be where I am (and I still am) and wouldn’t want to lose some pride chicken on the way. However, I thought about how fate works and the good old reasoning that everything happens for a reason. Why I chose to transfer, Why I passed the screening (which I recently found out was so specific that even people who I thought would pass, fail big time) in the first place and all the other whys that could possibly fit the bill.

So for now, it will be a fight I choose to continue. Target is a few more months, the most a year. I hope that by that time, there is something more substantial that will make me want to stay or leave without having second thoughts.

Since you forgot to say goodbye, I’ll do it first.